You need therapy. Reading through this, there is a lot of (deserved) hurt and anger that needs to be addressed. If you’re not a male model, you need to be funny and affable and you can’t be that if you’re wounded.

That also doesn’t mean you need to put your life on hold while you work on your mental health. Join a co-Ed rec team sport and get good at being sociable with people. Pick up an art or instrument, you don’t need to be a rock star just creative and passionate about something.

If you’re working out, do it because you like the physical benefits from it be they form or function.

All these things tie into the fact that women will be more turned off by an ugly personality than an ugly face.

You still can’t skip your appearance, but it should be secondary to getting your head right.

Well, I’ve heard over and over, online dating sucks for everyone. And the constant stream of rejection is taking a mental toll on male participants. Just be aware of that.

And I think it’s also more difficult in your 30s. Most of my friends are in longterm relationships by now and are having kids. When I was 20, many were single and the pool of potential hookups was much bigger.

And you mention being autistic. I’m sure superficial things like online dating are rigged against you, because people who are different from an expectation get eliminated quicker, the more superficial it is.

So if you really want a partner, make sure to have lots of patience.

One thing I’d like to add to your list is/are societies. And meeting people where you do your hobbies. This can include anything from meeting people during sports activities like mountain biking / tennis, to volunteering somewhere. You might want to balance this a bit. Some places are more sausage fest than others, but if you manage to meet a woman there, she’s unlikely to be superficial. And you already have a hobby in common.

Other than that, go to concerts, parties …

Regarding sex: You might want to separate looking for a partner and looking for a hookup for sex. These are two entirely different things. There are different Apps that specialize in connecting people for one or the other. But don’t mix it up or people will get disappointed because expectations are different.

There are also special parties just for sex, swinger clubs etc. And just paying someone for sex is also a valid approach.

It seems like you’ve built up your virginity into this really big thing that’s causing you a lot of anxiety. For that reason alone, I would recommend seeing a sex worker to lose your virginity if you’re comfortable with that and it’s truly what you want. It’s not a huge deal and many older people are virgins, but it’s negatively impacting you so my advice would be to search for a sex worker and to be honest with them and let them know you’re nervous and inexperienced. You might need to message a few providers before you find one that suits. But the right one will be very accomodating, it’s literally their job to make you comfortable and feel good!

Maybe once that hurdle has been cleared, you can focus on other things related to dating without having your virginity looming over you. Dating is hard for EVERYONE, and especially hard for autistic people ESPECIALLY if they’re dating neurotypicals. How confident are you with your communication skills? There may be some things you’re missing that you might not be aware of. Do you have a trusted friend who could give you some feedback? I once went on a date with an autistic guy and he didn’t ask me a single thing about myself which made me feel like he wasn’t interested or didn’t care. I later found out it wasn’t because he didn’t care, but he didn’t really know how to keep the conversation balanced. This may not be true for you, but it would be great if someone could help give you some insight.

Like I said though, dating is hard, I have friends who are absolutely beautiful, talented, smart, funny, and they still struggle with online dating. I think apps have made people view their dates as a bit more disposable, if they don’t immediately click with someone then they don’t wanna put in the effort because they can just go straight back to the app and find someone else. So apps can be great, but I’d also recommend trying to meet people in real life. Depending on your hobbies, you could meet people that way.

The other thing I’d say is to not put the pressure on your date or yourself by wanting every date to turn into a relationship or sex. Dating is about getting to know someone, discovering what you like and don’t like with people, and finding out if you click. So you may have to go on lots of dates but that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It’s all part of the process. It’s awesome that you’re putting in the effort and trying to find a solution. Good luck!!!

Hey, I remember you from my thread!

So, I’ll lay out my life story:

• I’m also from the UK
• I was quite heavily teased/bullied by girls pretending to flirt only to laugh when I seem to recirpocate in secondary school
• Sixth form was an absolute no-go for whatever reason, had very little luck
• University I actually had a girl who was heavily flirting with me. However, I literally missed every single cue. I only realised she was flirting with me 5 years later
• I tried asking a friend out on a date - multiple times. She said no every single time and while now we are “okay” the friendship just isn’t the same as it was before
• I tried to ask a girl out on a date at work. That ended up terribly and nearly had every single woman on that floor flat-out ignoring me. Because I had social anxiety at the time and I didn’t understand social boundaries, I asked her out for a date another two times - the second time I actually wanted to ask if we were friends, but I didn’t understand the implication of asking a girl out on a date. The third time was because I made the correlation that asking her out for a date would get her to go away and leave me alone. At the time I was deeply hurt from being ignored so aggressively and then she would just randomly talk to me as if nothing had happened.
• After those series of events, I twigged that I really need to get my shit together and start working on myself. I tried to look at all my insecurities, and address/resolve the ones I could fix while being kinder on myself for the things about myself I wasn’t happy about
• I did online dating. SO. Many. Online. Dates. All of my early dates from my late twenties were absolutely terrible and I legitimately bought nothing to the table due to my lack of self confidence. Never got kissed. Never had sex.
• Eventually I would be a bit happier with myself, but I was sexually frustrated. As ashamed as I am to admit, I would upfront ask girls who I was dating if we could have sex, even if we had one (or none!) dates. I lost a lot of dates that way, and I still had my virginity.
• At the age of 31, I went to a super cheap escort and I honestly regret that escort. She looked nothing like her photo, and we wound up having sex for 15 minutes despite me paying for a full hour.
  • The sex was nice but the actual experience left me thinking I was going to have my organs harvested in this dingy creepy room
• About 6 months later I found another escort. She looked exactly like her profile photo. Only problem was that as we talked, it was incredibly clear she was effectively being trafficked. I felt like throwing up on the spot and I wanted to give up sex, let alone seeking escorts.
• About a year or so (I think I was 33/34), I found an independent British escort. This escort wound up being the one I would frequently hook up frequently.
• I’ve been on dates since I met the British escort - one was an absolute dud, one despite being very nice wasn’t interested, and another straight up snogged me. Never in my life did I think I would ever be snogged like that. She then said she was still missing her ex-husband, but we still remain friends to this day.
• I’m currently living with my parents as a 34 year old, but that is changing suuuuper sooooon :D

So now you know my dating/romantic life story:

• Escort for me did help relieve sexual frustration, but it at times made me feel helplessly desperate for a deeper connection. Seeking escorts for a romantic relationship is a bit like drinking salt water - you think you’re being hydrated, but you’re just being dehydrated. However, for mindless sex, a good independent escort is fantastic, as well as them being great to talk stuff through (they know and understand men don’t have a lot of avenues to talk about their frustration, and honestly good escorts want to see you succeed)
• I would say the big thing to do is work out your insecurities and tackle them. Once you feel like you’ve done that, try to make more friends with women that, in your head, you know aren’t sexual relationships. Not only will this boost your confidence, sometimes these women will want to hook you up with their friend if they think you are the bees knees
• You ultimately need to work on your confidence - from the mental to the physical. It doesn’t happen overnight. I started when I was 26/27 and I’m 34 years now. I still consider it a work in progress.
• Do try to understand that dating is about finding your particular brand of weirdo. A lot of media try to teach men that they need to be sexual prowesses and have hundreds of women etc etc - don’t believe the BS. You just need to find the right one for you. If a date didn’t want to continue things further, they’re doing you a favour. Eventually you’ll be confident in your own needs and wants to effectively turn down women too.
• Confidence is key, and the key to confidence is knowing that she is just as nervous as you are. However you approach the situation, try to make sure that she feels comfortable with you.

I can’t think of anything else, but I’ve been in your situation and I’m telling you it does get better, with or without escorting. I’m rooting for you mate!

Just a short answer here. Firsly, really good of you to ask for help instead of letting anger, sadness and frustration (that are understandably there) take over.

Even though I have no ecperience of my own with sex workers, it does seem a good idea. If something like this becomes too much of an issue it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. On that though: I would consider hiring an escort instead of a red light district kind of situation. Losing your virginity is an intimate afgair, nice not to be rushed because you only have 20-30 minutes. Tell her in advance. Consider going to the same 2-3 times, as sex the first time can be awkward and quick, or not happen at all because of performance issues associated with the mental pressure - that is normal and OK.

As for dating, and this is the ugly truth, desperation is a stinky cologne. Thats why I think the sex worker could be an interesting angle for now. Work out your issues with a therapist, focus on meeting people who share your passions instead of looking for passion for now. To me, that’s where the magic happens. Good luck OP, feel free to keep us posted!

Way too many people deal with the same stuff. My suggestion would be to sign up for hobby or dance lessons. You may or may not meet the right women there, but you’ll probably meet interesting people, and that counts too. And you may gain new skills or hobbies, which is honestly more important.

You can also get a pet if you feel like it, dogs are the best wingmen. But only if you think you can handle it.

If you want to use a hooker, I don’t see anything wrong with that, but also know it really won’t change much. But from what I’ve heard from people, it tends to lift off some weight, so it may be worth it at least for that.

Btw one dirty advice from the books: if you’re trying for a woman that’s not single, you’re competing against one guy. If she is single, you’re competing against everyone. It may not be nice, but everything is fair in war and love, right

A friend of mine used to be desperate - he was around 35-40 and he still did not get a single lady. He was all the more desperate that he wanted to found a family, have a house etc…

Going to dance lessons has been the trick for him. Even if you are not comfortable eventually you have to talk to women in such lessons. And just by simple interactions you become comfortable eventually and then more comes. His first gf didn’t work out but I have heard things are going great with his 2nd

Personally I never did one night stands, always serious relations. At some point in my life I was desperate too. I think the key is to not think too much about it. It’s hard but if you speak with a woman with the implicit intention “I just want to date her” or worse “i just want sex” she will sense it somehow and be turned away.

What worked for me is to shift to “I would like to get to know her because she interests me”. This lowers your own expectations (you are not specifically looking to hook up - just get to know her for now) so you will act more natural. And if you sense that things are doing good you can invite her (just her) to do some outside activity to know her better - eventually maybe you will sense that she is getting into you just like you are getting into her and things will happen.

What does not work however is to get close to the person, then failing to express your desire to go further - wait several months because you wait for the right moment that never comes - then, out of the blue, ask her out and she turns you down because even though she did find you cute once, she already moved on now. For dating to work, eventually the person needs to feel that you are interested (either implicitly or explicitly - it depends on the person - hence why it’s important to get to know the person before attempting to go further)

Either way, keep in mind that if she turns you down, it’s not necessarily because of you. You might be good looking but just not her type. It’s like tastes and colors. But as long as you are clean, respectful and not too inconfident you will find someone eventually.

I would also say that when things get a little more forward, there is no shame in telling her you never had an experience before. On the contrary it might even help the both of you to be in sync

God speed out there! You can do it :)

If you were a girl, would you date you?

If not, what are the key reasons why not? How difficult would each be to improve upon?

Are you pursuing people with an unrealistic expectation of who you’ll end up with? i.e. If you are a 4/10, are you only looking for girls that are 7/10 or higher? Your comment about needing to look good to get responses on dating sites in particular has me wondering about this. I’ve heard from plenty of less attractive women frustrated with not getting messages or replies on those sites too. I’m sure many of them would be happy to hear from you.

How much do you buy into gender stereotypes and misogyny? That’s a huge turn off for women, and I tend to see it a lot with guys struggling to understand why they can’t find anyone.

If you aren’t particularly comfortable interacting with the opposite sex, going to things where you’ll simply interact without any dating/romance component would be a good place to start. What are you into? Any hobbies? Go to meetups for that and just interact with people of both genders to improve comfort and seeing people of any given gender as a fellow human being first and foremost.

Women’s sexual desire peaks in their later 30s as opposed to male desire peaking in their late teens/early 20s.

But guys statistically pose an existential threat to them and in general can be pretty lousy creeps, so being able to hang out with a girl and have her feel comfortable, accepted, and safe is pretty much one of the most important things you can do.

If you aim for people at the same ‘rank’ as yourself in terms of attraction and aren’t a creep, you’ll get laid anywhere from a bar to a meetup to online dating.

But for a lot of guys I know that struggle with finding someone, they fail either or both of those criteria.

If you can successfully be someone who is chill and fun to hang out with, who isn’t going to slut shame or obsess or creep on them, and show interest and attraction without pressure or expectation, you’ll have plenty of sexual experiences. Bars are good places to practice picking people up with low stakes in terms of rejection too.

Also, be upfront with your inexperience as things progress with someone. Some will really like the idea of being your first, and some might not be looking for that responsibility.

Ultimately, keep in mind that whether someone decides to sleep with you or not is mostly about their own wants and desires, and not personal. So don’t take rejection personally.

It’s a numbers game. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and if you want to stop missing, you need to take more shots.

The guys I know with mad game aren’t particularly desirable. The one common denominator is a willingness to try and try again. Even if only 1% end up interested, throwing a wide net ends up with results, and in turn more practice for the future.

I don’t think that approach is a great one for long term happiness, but for where you are at right now, getting experience and getting comfortable with the lead up to sex and with sex itself is going to set you up for success much more than pursuing something higher stakes.

Also, do yourself a favor and research female anatomy, orgasms, and the variety of pleasure across the spectrum among the opposite sex. When it finally does happen, knowing things like there’s only a small percent of women who can orgasm from penetration only or basic technique of cunnilingus (find Nina Hartley’s video on it) will go a long way towards it being a better experience for both you and your eventual partner. And the most important technique in the bedroom is listening to and reading the other person. So with your autism going above and beyond with generosity, checking in, and patience in the bedroom will be helpful indeed.

Please take this as gently as possible from someone old enough to be your mother - if you meet one asshole, they are an asshole. If everyone you meet is an asshole, you are the asshole. If you meet a girl who is stuck up, she probably is. If every girl you meet is stuck up, it’s you.

If you think getting past the “virgin” part will crack a wall for you, then sure, a sex worker might be the way to go, you can explain what you are looking for, maybe get some pointers and practice so you feel not clueless. Most of us, yes women too, did not have ideal or even good first times, no big deal if you want to pay to get it out of the way.

Your looks and style, the best approach is to get yourself in shape for you. Wear the clothes you like. Do the things you like, be your own best self. You absolutely do not need to be stunning in looks, no. But nice enough to be comfortably looked at. Comfortable for you and the one looking. Looks are only the superficial layer but being in shape at least does say something about you, that you care about your physical health.

Beyond that - we are just people! Women are people and we are everywhere. Get used to talking to us like people, make friends, get more comfortable. You need girl friends, not just a girlfriend.

Also I agree that 30s are the worst age to look for a partner, 20s are more open and then around 40 a lot of breakups and movement again. But that doesn’t mean impossible by a long shot. Always there are people looking, especially if you are wanting casual for now.

I don’t get incel vibes from your post. I think some part of your personality is probably off putting. Everyone here is saying therapy, and I think that may help, but I think the bigger issue is you’re probably trying too hard to “be romantic”. Don’t try to recreate a Disney movie.

The best relationships you will have are with people you really connect with. Both in interests and personality. But you have to be someone you would want to be friends with. You may have to find out who you really are again which can be hard. Others won’t like you if you don’t like you.

Confidence and acting natural in any situation is a must. No one wants a worm.

Try this. Start going out to places where people your age congregate…usually a pub etc. Go alone and just go to meet people. Sex isn’t the goal, friendship is. Meet guys or girls it doesn’t matter.
When you do just pretend you’re confident. Fake it until you make it, but be sincere. Don’t use lines or over flatter or keep saying how pretty she is. Just practice enjoying people’s company and be someone who’s company they enjoy. Be funny but not scene stealing or a braggart. Tease but finish with jk jk.

I’ve seen the ugliest guys get the hottest girl just because he was confident and funny.

Practice if you have to. Steal jokes if you have to, but make it impressive.

There’s no shame in going to a hooker to break the seal. Don’t look for the cheapest one, spend a little and get a GFE girlfriend experience. Be freshly showered and groomed, tell them you’re a virgin, if you have any way of getting a Cialis before hand definitely take one so your nerves don’t kill your hardon. Do not visit anywhere you think there’s even the most remote possibility of the women being trafficked. Well known establishments or self employed only.

Beyond that, work on self respect. Going to the gym helps both your physique and self respect, if that’s something you’re capable of committing to then it’s one of your best means of self improvement.

Are you respected in your work? Do you respect what you do for work?

How are you around other men? Do you have at least one or two core male friends you can just be a dude around? Maybe ones that are in relationships or are better with women that you can see how to interact with them?

When you have your shit sorted, self respect and some social savvy, women still won’t come to you but they won’t be scared away as easily. Don’t be afraid to go for women you aren’t conventionally attracted to, something you and them can both have fun with even if it isn’t meant to last. Any notch is a confidence boost.

Best of luck brother

I once went through a prolonged “dry spell” after college, mostly self inflicted and was really nervous about dating again. Didn’t have a ton of luck. Paid for an escort for the first and only time, it was surprisingly relaxing and fun. Not at all what I expected. It seems you’ve made your virginity a bit of a bid deal in your head. Might not be the worst idea.

Other than that, the only way to meet women outside of dating apps as an adult is to basically force it in public places. It’s always going to feel a bit weird in my experience. You just have to approach, make some type of small talk and ask if they’d like to get a coffee sometime or something. Most people meet online th se days after school for a reason.

1. People can be really shit and I’m so sorry kids were awful to you growing up. That’s horrific.

2. Try to find your passions. A coed sport league (anything - football, darts, bowling, doesn’t matter what), board games, art, take a class in music or photography whatever interests you. This will get you around others that SHARE that interest and voila a subject to talk about in common.

Humans want to connect. Maybe you just make some acquaintances, maybe more. Either way you can’t find connections isolated online.

Good luck, I hope you find your tribe and a happier life. Truly, good luck.

1. People can be really shit and I’m so sorry kids were awful to you growing up. That’s horrific.

2. Try to find your passions. A coed sport league (anything - football, darts, bowling, doesn’t), board games, art, take a class in music or photography whatever interests you. This will get you around others that SHARE that interest and voila a subject to talk about in common.

Humans want to connect. Maybe you just make some acquaintances, maybe more. Either way you can’t find connections isolated online.

Good luck, I hope you find your tribe and a happier life. Truly, good luck.

Grindr, easy peasy!