Hi everyone, I am in my early thirties and have been dealing with something that has brought me a lot of shame and frustration.
I am still a virgin.
Putting my thoughts into words on this has been really hard, because for the past fifteen, even twenty years, I have internalized the feeling of being unattractive and a failed man (there are other factors for this, but those parts of my life are slowly getting back on track.) Also, I’ve had a lot of hostility on Reddit when I’ve tried to reach out on there in the past, so the motivation to really type this isn’t there.
I don’t want to reveal too much about myself, but I’ll try to explain my thoughts as best I can.
My primary and secondary school years sucked. Being autistic made me an easy target for bullies and I was picked on a lot by boys and girls alike. Girls would flirt with me or come on to me as a joke, then laugh in my face (or worse) if I took them seriously. One classmate took things so far that she went on a year-long harassment campaign of calling me a creep and telling me to kill myself.
Sixth form and university were my quiet years. I made temporary friends in both places but I keep in touch with virtually nobody. The girls I interacted with during those years seemed stuck-up and had no interest in even talking to me as a friend. I don’t know if it’s a thing about British women, or just the overall vibe at my uni, but I just get really frigid vibes.
Don’t even get me started on online dating. As a man, you cannot even get matches or replies unless you look like Ryan Gosling, and it is disheartening to have nearly every single one of your messages ignored, even in the modern days where every dating app is a Tinder clone and now requires you to mutually match to send a message. The worst one nowadays is Okcupid, where I realised that the only matches I even get are women on the other side of the world who blatantly falsify their location in the search for a Western husband and the means to a spousal visa.
I have had dates before, but about half of them she’s made excuses to bail and then blocked/unmatched/ghosted me afterwards, and it’s not like I knowingly did anything creepy.
I’ve also had girlfriends before, but I’ve only even kissed one of them. Two were LDR’s that fell apart the moment we closed the gap (of the two, one was a Chinese lady who my German friend tried to set me up with, the other was a Japanese girl who in retrospect was using me for English practice and help with her student visa.) Of the two that were in my country: one used me for my money and cheated on me, and the one that I did kiss we broke up because of the distance and the fact that our personalities just clashed (I was attracted to her but much of the time it felt like I was talking to a brick wall.)
My birthday is in a few weeks and I’ve debated on whether to pay a hooker to take my virginity (I’d likely go abroad for this. Prostitution is technically legal here but a lot of stuff associated with the sex industry isn’t.) I don’t want to end up in my forties not knowing what sex feels like.
The main reason I’m even considering this is because I’m fed up of trying to date people. My past experiences have left me feeling aromantic, but it feels like even the rare few women who are open to hookups wouldn’t go near me with a barge pole.
Am I doing all of this wrong? I have tried numerous things:
- Dating apps: Okcupid, POF, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Happn, Tinder, Bumble. Name the app and I’ve most likely used it. Most of them are owned by the exact same company and are just a different brand of snake oil anyway.
- Asking friends if they know single women they can introduce me to. Only once has this actually happened.
- Meeting women at work. I work fully remote now so this ain’t really an option, and even in the pre-COVID days, nearly every female colleague was not single.
- Going to singles meetups. Last one I went to was a sausage fest and the only lady who I did speak to was a woman in her fifties with a wedding ring on her.
- Changing the way I look and dress. I tried multiple styles of clothing, hairstyles, etc. I get short bursts of motivation to hit the gym and at one point spent a few months going through bro split and PPL split routines, sometimes going 4+ days a week.
A friend of mine used to be desperate - he was around 35-40 and he still did not get a single lady. He was all the more desperate that he wanted to found a family, have a house etc…
Going to dance lessons has been the trick for him. Even if you are not comfortable eventually you have to talk to women in such lessons. And just by simple interactions you become comfortable eventually and then more comes. His first gf didn’t work out but I have heard things are going great with his 2nd
Personally I never did one night stands, always serious relations. At some point in my life I was desperate too. I think the key is to not think too much about it. It’s hard but if you speak with a woman with the implicit intention “I just want to date her” or worse “i just want sex” she will sense it somehow and be turned away.
What worked for me is to shift to “I would like to get to know her because she interests me”. This lowers your own expectations (you are not specifically looking to hook up - just get to know her for now) so you will act more natural. And if you sense that things are doing good you can invite her (just her) to do some outside activity to know her better - eventually maybe you will sense that she is getting into you just like you are getting into her and things will happen.
What does not work however is to get close to the person, then failing to express your desire to go further - wait several months because you wait for the right moment that never comes - then, out of the blue, ask her out and she turns you down because even though she did find you cute once, she already moved on now. For dating to work, eventually the person needs to feel that you are interested (either implicitly or explicitly - it depends on the person - hence why it’s important to get to know the person before attempting to go further)
Either way, keep in mind that if she turns you down, it’s not necessarily because of you. You might be good looking but just not her type. It’s like tastes and colors. But as long as you are clean, respectful and not too inconfident you will find someone eventually.
I would also say that when things get a little more forward, there is no shame in telling her you never had an experience before. On the contrary it might even help the both of you to be in sync
God speed out there! You can do it :)